Sometimes I'd rather put my index finger in a rotting potato than write another post. But I god damn do it anyway.
You should know that I hate writing these sometimes.
Sometimes it can be like listening to your own voice on a tape recorder. You have to listen to your own thoughts to write a coherent article and there are days when I don't want to listen to my thoughts. I want to shut down my computer and forget that all of the internet exists except for that bastion of distraction known as Netflix.
But I fucking put something up here every week anyway because I believe in this project. I have faith that if I keep doing this I will achieve things I want to achieve. I know that stopping even for a day is worse than pushing through the unpleasantness.
Maybe you feel that way about the gym or eating vegetables or ... your spouse.
I wrote a thing
I don't go back and read my own writing very often.
The lead time for this one was a bit longer than usual — I passed it off to our editor back in August.
So this past week, some 5 months after I wrote it, I read it back to myself. I hated it. I felt like it was still an early draft from a notes app on my phone. I stand behind the points in it but I feel it needs a full re-write to really bring them home.
Then it dawned on me: to recognize that, I must be getting better at this whole writing thing. This why-the-hell-not weekly publishing must somewhere, somehow be improving my writing. Which was certainly one of the goals.
I then flicked back to some older stuff I wrote on this site. Those from 6 months ago? Gross! One year ago? Trash! I can't believe I wrote that stuff. So unfocused. So unclear.
Sorry you had to see that.
To create is to hate
Perhaps it's just the nature of the beast. Whenever you create something you're bound to dislike it later. And that's good! It shows you're learning and you're improving and you're human.
Or your style is shifting. Maybe I'm not getting any better. I'm getting different.
I look at the post I wrote a few weeks ago about time management. It quickly became my most popular post to date and received tons of positive responses. Compare how structured and focused it is to something like my previous most popular post about investing.
Maybe you can't even tell the difference. That's okay. I can.
I know not everything here will be good and that you won't like everything you read here. A source of constant entertainment or education is not what we have here. What we have is a man putting shit out there constantly and not stopping because he believes in the value.
I think that's worth more than the words themselves.
So I'll take that lesson back to life. I'll keep going and pushing and doing things not always knowing why or where they will land, having faith that my instincts will point me in the right direction. It's tough but worth it.
I fucking hate life sometimes. And maybe that's exactly how it should be.