Grand Theft Shrink

At the end of Grand Theft Auto V, you get a report from the in-game shrink outlining your personality traits. Mine was scary close to reality.

Last summer, after spending a lot of time in the eerily-real-feeling world of Grand Theft Auto V, I finished the main story and was presented with the following report prepared by the in-game shrink.

Take a look:

My real psychologist probably has a list just like this in my file.

Besides all of the murdering and theft and stuff, it reads a lot like a list of the issues I’ve been dealing with and working on my entire adult life. Sure, I would only commit crimes in a digital world, but almost everything else transfers to real life. It’s kind of amazing how one behaves similarly in a game world and in the real one.

Now, some of these items I have no problem with and would wear them proudly.

Dull? Hell yeah I am! Though I don’t love insurance.

Well, the yoga was not popular – I did it for years in real life hoping it could be a nice counter-balance to all the time I spend on computers and I have decided Yoga makes me miserable. So there was no way in hell I was gonna do it in a video game!

Avoids get rich quick schemes – totally true. I’m all about the get-rich-slow thing.

Other items on the list, however, I would not be as proud of.

Fence sitting, ego, avoids new experiences, thinks of self as above certain temptations, and would rather watch than do so can judge others – shit, man. This is stuff I’ve been dealing with for a long time. In one way or another, they are all natural tendencies that hold me back and hurt myself and others. I’ve tried so hard to be a better person but, apparently, when the metaphorical camera of society is off I go right back into my old ways.

Or maybe this whole thing is just a list of fortune-teller/horoscope-style generalities that anyone can project themselves onto.

Either way, I’m really trying over here AND HOW DARE YOU TELL ME I’M EASILY OFFENDED YOU STUPID GAME!!

Just kidding, Easily offended to the point of extreme rage is way off base. It’s more like Easily offended to the point of walking away and watching TV instead of talking to you.

That’s classic me.


…also I made Trevor’s truck and guns pink, but I dunno what that says about me:

Not the best colour for a sniper rifle.
Hard to see at night, but Trevor’s truck on the left looked glorious in pink and added a new dimension to his disturbed-redneck persona.