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A Totally Real Conversation That Absolutely Happened


A long time ago in a village or something somewhat far away.

[conversationViewer style="snapchat"]

// Person: Take a cow

// Me: A cow?

// Person: Yes, take a cow and then..

// Me: You mean one of those lazy animals we get milk from?

// Person: Exactly

// Me: Can't I just get some milk from the milkman?

// Person: No, you don't want the milk you want the cow

// Me: Um, ok.

// Person: So you take the cow and put it through a grinder

// Me: A grinder?? Like ... whole?

// Person: Oh, sorry, I misspoke. First you have to take off the skin and remove the bones and fat and stuff.

// Me: How do I do that?

// Person: Just use a saw and a knife and a servant or two.

// Me: Okay, and then?

// Person: Feed the red part through the grinder. Take that and set it aside.

// Me: Okay.

// Person: Now you'll need to grow some wheat.

// Me: Wheat?

// Person: The tail grass stuff.

// Me: I know what wheat is. What does it have to do with the cow?

// Person: You'll see.

// Me: Alright.

// Person: So you grow wheat.

// Me: What do I do with the ground up cow while the wheat is growing?

// Person: Well you'll have to grow the wheat first. You've gotta time it so all the bits are done at the same time.

// Me: So I grow some wheat, I tend to the field, I feed the cow, all in wait?

// Person: Correct.

// Me: This better be some meal.

// Person: Oh, it's worth it.

// Me: What then?

// Person: Once the wheat is done, you need to make it into a bunch of long tubes.

// Me: Long tubes?

// Person: Yep. Add some water and grind the wheat and cut them into long skinny tubes.

// Me: Okay.

// Person: You'll also need to grow some tomatoes and find those spicy underground bulbs.

// Me: Spicy bulbs?

// Person: You know, those ones your friend is always licking.

// Me: You mean my friend Gar?

// Person: Yeah him. Just get the ones he hasn't licked yet.

// Me: Okay.

// Person: Then there's one more thing you need.

// Me: That is?

// Person: You know that drug dealer who sells weed that doesn’t get you high?

// Me: The guy from Oregon?

// Person: Yes, that’s the one. Get a bag of his “weed” as well.

// Me: I already have several, actually.

// Person: Great, then that’s everything.

// Me: Excellent.

// Person: So you take the ground cow and put it over a fire until it's almost burnt but not.

// Me: How will I know?

// Person: It's done when it looks less like the color of the inside of the cow and more like the color of the outside of the cow.

// Me: What color is that?

// Person: Brown.

// Me: Well, what if the cow I grind up is black or white?

// Person: Good question. I used a brown one. If you use a black one the ground cow may turn black when you almost-burn it. I haven’t done this before. Do keep me updated.

// Me: Okay.

// Person: So what you do is take your tomatoes and crush them in your hands like your enemies eyeballs and add them to the almost-burnt ground cow. Mix them up. Then add the doesn’t-get-you-high weed and the underground bulb of that plant.

// Me: The one that Gar licks?

// Person: Yes, that one. Then mix it together. Meanwhile, take the wheat tubes and put them in really hot water for a while.

// Me: How long is a while?

// Person: I’m not sure exactly. Longer than it takes to crush the tomatoes, but not as long as it takes to remove the skin from the cow.

// Me: Alright.

// Person: And then remove the water from the bowl but keep the wheat tubes in there. Then mix the ground cow and tomatoes with the wheat tubes and it’s ready.

// Me: And you’re sure this is food?

// Person: Absolutely. Trust me 100%.

// Me: It’s not like that time you thought the tree skin was food, is it?

// Person: No, sorry again about that.

// Me: I mean, I didn’t like it, but my dog went crazy for it.

// Person: Right. Well, let me know how it goes and spread the word.

// Me: Alright, I’ll get started on it. Might take me a few years but I’ll have you over when it's made.

// Person: Sounds great. See you then. I’ll bring juice from grapes that have gone bad.

// Me: They’ve … gone bad?

// Person: Trust me.


- The Worlds First Recipe for Spaghetti Bolognese