A Totally Real Conversation That Absolutely Happened

A long time ago in a village or something somewhat far away.

Person
Take a cow
Me
A cow?
Person
Yes, take a cow and then..
Me
You mean one of those lazy animals we get milk from?
Person
Exactly
Me
Can’t I just get some milk from the milkman?
Person
No, you don’t want the milk you want the cow
Me
Um, ok.
Person
So you take the cow and put it through a grinder
Me
A grinder?? Like … whole?
Person
Oh, sorry, I misspoke. First you have to take off the skin and remove the bones and fat and stuff.
Me
How do I do that?
Person
Just use a saw and a knife and a servant or two.
Me
Okay, and then?
Person
Feed the red part through the grinder. Take that and set it aside.
Me
Okay.
Person
Now you’ll need to grow some wheat.
Me
Wheat?
Person
The tail grass stuff.
Me
I know what wheat is. What does it have to do with the cow?
Person
You’ll see.
Me
Alright.
Person
So you grow wheat.
Me
What do I do with the ground up cow while the wheat is growing?
Person
Well you’ll have to grow the wheat first. You’ve gotta time it so all the bits are done at the same time.
Me
So I grow some wheat, I tend to the field, I feed the cow, all in wait?
Person
Correct.
Me
This better be some meal.
Person
Oh, it’s worth it.
Me
What then?
Person
Once the wheat is done, you need to make it into a bunch of long tubes.
Me
Long tubes?
Person
Yep. Add some water and grind the wheat and cut them into long skinny tubes.
Me
Okay.
Person
You’ll also need to grow some tomatoes and find those spicy underground bulbs.
Me
Spicy bulbs?
Person
You know, those ones your friend is always licking.
Me
You mean my friend Gar?
Person
Yeah him. Just get the ones he hasn’t licked yet.
Me
Okay.
Person
Then there’s one more thing you need.
Me
That is?
Person
You know that drug dealer who sells weed that doesn’t get you high?
Me
The guy from Oregon?
Person
Yes, that’s the one. Get a bag of his “weed” as well.
Me
I already have several, actually.
Person
Great, then that’s everything.
Me
Excellent.
Person
So you take the ground cow and put it over a fire until it’s almost burnt but not.
Me
How will I know?
Person
It’s done when it looks less like the color of the inside of the cow and more like the color of the outside of the cow.
Me
What color is that?
Person
Brown.
Me
Well, what if the cow I grind up is black or white?
Person
Good question. I used a brown one. If you use a black one the ground cow may turn black when you almost-burn it. I haven’t done this before. Do keep me updated.
Me
Okay.
Person
So what you do is take your tomatoes and crush them in your hands like your enemies eyeballs and add them to the almost-burnt ground cow. Mix them up. Then add the doesn’t-get-you-high weed and the underground bulb of that plant.
Me
The one that Gar licks?
Person
Yes, that one. Then mix it together. Meanwhile, take the wheat tubes and put them in really hot water for a while.
Me
How long is a while?
Person
I’m not sure exactly. Longer than it takes to crush the tomatoes, but not as long as it takes to remove the skin from the cow.
Me
Alright.
Person
And then remove the water from the bowl but keep the wheat tubes in there. Then mix the ground cow and tomatoes with the wheat tubes and it’s ready.
Me
And you’re sure this is food?
Person
Absolutely. Trust me 100%.
Me
It’s not like that time you thought the tree skin was food, is it?
Person
No, sorry again about that.
Me
I mean, I didn’t like it, but my dog went crazy for it.
Person
Right. Well, let me know how it goes and spread the word.
Me
Alright, I’ll get started on it. Might take me a few years but I’ll have you over when it’s made.
Person
Sounds great. See you then. I’ll bring juice from grapes that have gone bad.
Me
They’ve … gone bad?
Person
Trust me.

– The Worlds First Recipe for Spaghetti Bolognese